I finished feeding the cat and sank down onto the kitchen chair with a deep sigh. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, and tried to unwind, but I was still too keyed up. So I poured myself a glass of cheap Bordeaux, walked into the living room, put a blues CD into the stereo and sank onto the sofa.
As days went, mine had been a bitch. Late to get up, late to start, and it had just snowballed from there. A yearly physical with the doctor, which I always dread. Luckily, it was over for another year. Then my tennis partner had sprained her ankle, and we had to call the game. My one and only ranch hand had come down with the ‘flu, so I had to call on a neighbour’s son to help me with my animals.
And to top it off, I had broken a damn fingernail! I gulped down the wine and studied my hand. ‘Damn,’ I thought. ‘What a perfect ending to a shitty day! At least I know nothing else can go wrong.’
I jumped as the phone rang. I always screen my calls, so I didn’t bother to get up. It was my sister, letting me know she had “someone perfect” for me to meet. Great. Just what I needed! She said she’d given him my number, and not five minutes after she hung up, he called. He left a short, polite message with his phone number, inviting me to use it. He had a deep resonant voice, with a hint of an accent in his vowels. ‘Maybe interesting’, I thought.
I’d had a very happy marriage, but when Niall died of a massive heart attack, two years ago, at the age of 32, something in me had died with him. I knew that, and accepted it. I also knew it was only a matter of time before I started living again. The spark of interest I felt at this strangers’ voice was the first sign. I accepted that too.
‘Well, I’ll sleep on it, and see what tomorrow brings.’
I got ready for bed, opened my bedroom window in hopes of a cool early summer breeze, and climbed into bed. Wuffles, my grey Japanese Bobtail, leaped onto the bed, kneaded the pillow beside me, and curled up tight. He loved sleeping with me, and I was happy not to be alone.
Morning dawned quickly, and I was out of bed by five. I poured a cup of herbal lemon tea, and sat on the porch to greet the day. It was a long-standing ritual, and I continued it every day, summer and winter, because I loved looking out over my land. I had a hobby farm on sixteen acres of good ranching land. I owned four horses, and stabled five others.
Finishing my tea, I went to the kitchen to rinse my cup. I lovingly watered my plants, the herbs and ferns I had throughout the house. Then I went to the mudroom, put my boots on, and walked down to the stable.
I drew in deep breaths, savoring the various scents of summer. I could smell the stable, of course, but I also smelled the grass, the wildflowers, and the sun-warmed dirt.
“Hi, Toby. How’s it going today?”
Toby was my neighbour’s son, who was helping me while my regular hand was sick. He was cute, for a twenty-three year-old kid, and very polite, which I was happy about. He also seemed very shy around me, blushing easily – but then, that’s they way most boys his age were, I supposed.
“It’s going okay.” he replied. “Zeus is raring to go, but Loki had a stone, so I put him out in the south paddock today.”
“Okay, thanks. Mindy’s going to come over for a while today.”
He avoided my eyes, and I assumed he was looking forward to seeing the eighteen-year-old girl who stabled Zapt, a fine Arabian gelding, here. I also knew that Mindy was looking forward to seeing Toby. I figured they each had a pretty awful crush on the other, and was damned glad to be a grown up and past all that.
We worked together quietly, each thinking our own thoughts. I kept recalling the phone call from last night, and decided to call my sister, Sandrea back.
‘What the hell’, I thought. ‘Maybe he’ll be really sexy, and I’ll finally get laid! I really need to get laid soon.’
I rolled my eyes at that thought, thinking what an understatement it was. After we’d gotten the horses looked after, I saddled Zeus and told Toby I’d be back in a while. “I’m going to give him a good ride today!” I called.
I could have sworn, as I swung into the saddle, that I heard him mumble “lucky him”, but then I thought I’d simply been mistaken. Toby was so shy, and young!
I rode along my favourite trail, admiring the land, the day, the feel of the horse under me. After an hour or so, I headed back to the stable. I saw the sleek little VW Beetle that signaled Mindy’s presence. I rode Zeus into the south paddock where Loki, another gelding, was; I slipped off the saddle, landing easily on the grass.
I unsaddled Zeus, slipped his bridle off, and took the gear to the tack room at the back of the stable. I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help overhearing the argument taking place between Toby and Mindy.
“Why don’t you ask her? You’ll see!” Mindy was very upset, and sounded quite mean. She was normally a nice, quiet girl, pretty and popular, with what I thought an unfortunate habit of tossing her hair all the time.
“I don’t need to, Mindy. I know what she thinks of me. But that doesn’t change what I think of her!” Toby’s voice was hard, as if he didn’t like the truth he’d just uttered. “She thinks I’m a nice boy,” he almost sneered. “So why don’t you just leave it alone!”
“If you know that, then why the hell are you still here, mooning over her? I can’t believe she hasn’t seen the way you look at her! It’s disgusting! Or maybe she has, and encourages you. Is that what’s going on? Does the widow have you in her web?”
I realized then that they were talking about me!
‘My god,’ I thought. ‘What is she saying? That I’m trying to seduce the boy?!’ I was so angry, suddenly, that I just wanted to go out there and blast her. But then I heard Toby talking again, and I froze into place, just listening, shocked to my core.
“She doesn’t know I even exist, beyond being a ‘nice boy’ who’s willing to help around the ranch. She’s always really nice, but nothing else. Don’t you dare try to say otherwise, because you’re just jealous! You know she’s a beautiful, sexy and confident woman, and you’re not. And you’re afraid you never will be. She’s never once looked at me as anything other than a kid, but I’m telling you, if she ever did, even once…”
I was amazed at the passion in his voice, but it struck my heart when I heard the wistfulness there, too. Mindy didn’t say anything, but I heard the door slam as she left, so I knew his words upset her a lot. I didn’t want Toby to know what I’d heard, so I tiptoed out the back again, and watched Loki and Zeus for a few minutes.
I sensed when Toby came up behind me, and I took a deep breath. Acting as if nothing were different, I smiled at him. “Hey. Was that Mindy leaving?”
He looked at the horses. “Yeah. She, uh, had to go. When did you get back?”
I could see him blushing. I blushed too, wondering just what the hell he was thinking. He was a child! I was a thirty-year-old widow!
“Um. Just a couple of minutes ago. Listen,” I said, talking fast, “if you want, you can take one of the mares out for a good run. I’m going to the house, I’ve got some stuff to do there. After that, you can go on home, I’ll bed them down for the night myself.”
His head tilted to the side, he looked at me, his brows furrowed. He started to speak, then seemed to change his mind, and simply walked away. I watched him go, unwillingly noticing for the first time how his jeans hugged his trim butt. I drew in a rather shaky breath, and forced my eyes back to the horses. After a few minutes, he thundered away on Isis, and I noticed that he wasn’t using a saddle.
‘Idiot boy.’ I thought. Thinking about the scene I’d just been an unwilling witness to, I reminded myself, “Not boy, Shawn! Remember that!”
I trudged slowly back to the house, showered, put fresh clothes on, and puttered for a while. When it was time, I made a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, and continued to avoid going back to the barn. The hours passed slowly.
Dinnertime was my least favourite time of day since losing my husband. I hated cooking lately; there was nothing worse than cooking for one person, knowing you’d be cooking that way for probably a long time to come.
I was just about to put my steak on the grill when I saw Isis trot back, riderless. I quickly turned off the grill, stuffed my feet into my boots, and ran to the paddock. I made sure there was nothing wrong with the mare, and, cursing a little, swung up onto her back. I was worried about Toby, praying he wasn’t hurt, and though I wanted to get to him as quickly as possible, I forced myself to keep the mare to a trot, looking for sign, since he could have been anywhere on my spread.
I followed the mare’s backtrail to the grotto in the southeastern corner. As I rode up, Toby stood up, shirtless but unharmed. It was obvious that he’d been swimming, as his chest was wet and his jeans weren’t fastened. He must have just pulled them on when he’d heard me approach.
“Are you alright? What happened?” I asked.
“Isis must have spooked. I was swimming underwater, and when I came up, she was gone. I’m fine, honest.” he replied.
He pulled on his shirt as he spoke, but left it hanging open. I couldn’t help but notice that his chest certainly didn’t look like a boy’s chest, and I had to consciously keep my eyes from straying down to where his jeans were open.
“I was worried.” I mumbled, looking from sky to water, anywhere I could, except him. I wished at that moment that I’d never overheard his conversation with Mindy. ‘I would still be comfortable thinking of him as a boy’, I thought.
He grinned, and said, “Yeah, you must’ve been. I’ve never seen you such a mess!” Then he chuckled. I looked down at myself, and laughed. I was wearing an old white tank top, bright orange yoga pants, my hair in a loose knot, and my work boots. I hadn’t planned to do anything that night, so had thrown on my most comfortable clothes. I wish I’d noticed just how threadbare they’d become! Then I realized that I wasn’t even wearing underwear! I felt my face heat in a hot blush.
Toby must have realized it too, because the grin melted off his lips as he looked at my top, and his eyes turned hot and intense. Trying not to cover myself, knowing my nipples were responding to that look, I said, “Well hop up, we’ll double back together. My dinner’s waiting, and I’m hungry.”
“Me too.” he mumbled. Only I could tell he wasn’t talking about being hungry for food. He walked over, put his foot into the stirrup that I hadn’t taken time to shorten for myself, and mounted pillion.
‘Oh, gawd!’ I thought. I felt him put his arms around my waist, and tried unsuccessfully not to shiver. It’d been so long since any man’s arms had been around me, and at that moment, Toby stopped being the child I’d known, and became just a man that I’d known and trusted for years.
I took a deep breath, felt his breath catch in his chest, and guided Isis back toward home. I didn’t take her above a walk, both because I didn’t want to risk her with a double load, and because I very selfishly wanted to make this ride last as long as I could.
Toby’s forearms tightened for a moment, the muscles rippling. ‘Why didn’t I even notice him growing up?’ I wondered. And he had! I could feel the wall of muscle against my back; felt them in his thighs cupping my backside. I felt my nipples tighten further, and the telltale moisture between my spread legs.
He broke the silence then, murmuring softly in my ear. “You heard Mindy and I today, didn’t you?”
I didn’t want to lie to him, but I certainly didn’t want to cause him embarrassment by admitting it. Call me a coward, but I tried stalling. “Um. When?”
“It’s okay, you know. I didn’t know that you were there then, but I’m glad you heard us anyway.” He took a deep breath, and opened one hand on my belly, and pulled me tighter against him. His other hand wandered down to my thigh, and rested there.
“Uh, Toby…” I started.
He cut me off, saying, “Look, Shawn. You’ve known me since I was a little kid. You were already married, but I never thought of you as older, or old. You were just… you. Even back then, I knew you were beautiful, for a girl. Then, as I got older, I started comparing all the girls I knew to you, and none of them could even come close.” I tried to break in, but again he tightened his arm, and I knew he wanted to finish.
“You’re always nice to everyone. You were nice to my mom, even, and that’s saying something.”
His mom had been a real bitch, and there was no love lost between her and her former family.
“But ever since Niall died, you’ve been slipping into this shell. You still smile, but hardly ever with your eyes. My dad says you’ve been alone too long, and it’s not natural. He got ‘that look’ in his eye, and I just wanted to punch him. My own father!” He took another breath, and I heard him swallow.
“That’s when I knew I had to do something… anything, to get your attention. Shawn, I’m not a boy anymore. I’m a man, and I feel for you what a man feels for a woman. I’m sure,” and he chuckled uncertainly, “that you can feel what I mean.”
And hoo ya, could I! With his hand on my belly, holding me close to him, his erection was pushing against my back with each step the horse took.
“Toby,” I said softly. “I don’t know what to say. Until today, you were a boy to me. I can see and feel for myself that you’ve grown up, but I’m still a lot older than you. I don’t think I’d feel right, encouraging your feelings.”
He was silent for a few minutes, and we could see the stables before he spoke again.
“I won’t push you for now. But you want me Shawn, even if you won’t admit it. I can tell, by your body’s responses. I’m not looking for the June-spoon-moon deal, and neither are you right now. But I think you’re ready for sex again -” I tried to cut in, but he kept talking over me. “You are ready, and I think I’ve got what you need. You don’t want a heavy relationship to tie you down, you just need a light, no-ties, hot sex romp. An older man like my dad can’t do that for you, Shawn.” His voice, soft and earnest, in my ear, breath hot and exciting, caused me to shiver. “Older guys have too many responsibilities,” he continued, “and not enough stamina. You need satisfying, and I want to be the one to satisfy you. I’ve wanted you since my first real hard on.”
We came up to the stable door, and he slowly slipped off the mares’ back. He left his hand on my thigh, giving it a little squeeze. He leaned in closer to me, and whispered, “And now you want me too. I can smell your arousal. Think about what I’ve said, Shawn, and I’ll see you in the morning.”
With that, he walked over to his car, got in, and drove away. I sat on the mare’s back, watching until I couldn’t see him anymore, and shook my head.
“Well, if that doesn’t beat all!” I said aloud. I couldn’t get over his words, my feelings, or my utter lack of protest! ‘His daddy should take a quirt to me, knock some sense into me for even considering it!’ I thought.
I decided to take care of the animals while I was there, then go try to finish my dinner. After staring at the food for a while, I gave up. I poured a glass of wine, put in my favourite CD, and just sat in the dark, remembering. I went to bed around midnight, exhausted, and woke up in the predawn no more refreshed. I’d dreamt about Toby’s young body, and the pleasures he could give me, and I was pretty frustrated. Even a cold shower didn’t help. Masturbation wasn’t something I did often, but that morning, I needed the release.
I leaned back on my bed, and closed my eyes, picturing how it could be with Toby. I massaged my breasts, rolling my nipples between my fingers. I opened my legs, rubbed my clitoris with my right thumb and middle finger. I moaned deep in my throat when I put my left index finger into my already wet pussy. It felt so good. I put two more fingers in, one at a time, and flicked my clitoris faster. It didn’t take nearly long enough, and yet eons too long, and I nearly cried with the force of my orgasm, when it came. I laid there in shock.
I thought, ‘If just the thought of sex with him feels this good, what would it actually be like?’
Sighing, I got dressed, then wandered down to the kitchen for my tea. Looking out the window, I noticed Toby’s car already parked by the stable. I looked at the clock. He was here almost two hours earlier than normal, and I wondered what was up.
Deciding to forgo my porch time, I walked down to the stable with a cup of tea for each of us. I heard him up in the loft, so I carefully climbed up. I saw him lying on his back in the straw, one arm over his eyes, his breathing fast and harsh.
“Toby? What’s going on?” I asked sharply, walking over to him. I noticed then, that he had a tremendous erection.
He looked up at me, and I was struck by the heat of his gaze, and the painful twist of his lips. I looked around him, wondering if he’d fallen – or something.
“I, uh, just came up here for a bag of oats. Umm… nothing’s wrong.” he mumbled.
“That doesn’t explain why you’re lying here….” my voice died away. I’d just noticed that from the small window in the loft, you could see into my bedroom. I blushed with mortification. He’d watched me masturbating!
“You didn’t!” I said. He sat up quickly, watching me.
“I certainly didn’t mean to.” he said. “I just happened to glance toward the house. Then I couldn’t look away. I’m not sorry, you were beautiful.” He pinned me with his gaze, and though still embarrassed, I wasn’t angry.
“What were you thinking about?” he whispered.
I couldn’t look away from him. I opened my mouth to let him know it was none of his business, but instead heard myself whisper back. “You.”
I watched as the corners of his mouth curled up in a slow, sexy smile. I realized then what I’d admitted, and panicked. I stumbled back to the ladder, climbed down with reckless speed, and ran to the house. I heard Toby call me, but I ignored him. I slammed the door behind me, ran to the front of the house, snatched my keys from the hook by the door and continued out the front door. I gunned the engine of my truck, and left.
I drove aimlessly, torn between guilty excitement and guilty shame.
‘You’ve known him since he was ten! How could you even consider going to bed with him?’ I thought. The devil in me argued, ‘He’s a man, dammit! A young one, yes, but a very attractive man, who is obviously interested in getting you into bed!’
The thoughts just kept chasing one another in my mind, until I was ready to scream. And to make matters worse, I realized this was the first time I’d ever left the responsibility for my ranch with someone else.
“I acted like a child, myself,” I said out loud. “running away instead of handling things like an adult!” Damn. I turned the truck around and headed back home. I’d been gone for a couple of hours by now. When I pulled onto my driveway, I saw Toby’s car was still there. So was his father’s.
‘Double damn. Just what I need!’ I pulled up, got out, and walked over to where the two men were standing. Toby’s father was a tall, rangy fellow, mid fifties. His hair was steel grey, and his eyes were the same soft blue as his sons’.
“Hey there, Dan. How are you today?” I smiled. He was a decent man, and a good father, and I liked him. I glanced at Toby, noticed the angry set to his mouth. I wondered if my cowardly running had made him angry.
“Good, good, thanks. Just came over to make sure Toby was doing right by you.” he replied. He smiled and took my arm, leading me away from his son. I looked back over my shoulder in time to see the bitter look Toby sent his father. I knew then that something else was up.
“He’s doing a great job, Dan. I’m so grateful he agreed to help out here.”
“Uh huh. Listen, Shawn, I wanted to ask you something. Niall’s been gone over two years now, and, well, I’d like it if you’d go to dinner with me. Maybe dancing, maybe a little more. What do you say?” He smiled, as if he were thinking I’d leap to accept his offer like a starving man on a Big Mac.
So, what do you think ?